To that end, there is a wonderful gift that each pregnant couple is given from the universe, and that is the gift of telling friends and family that you are pregnant. In a recent post I discussed the trauma of telling our immediate families, but the fun has extended to the experiences that we've had telling our friends, associates, acquaintances, etc., and gauging their reactions.
I did note in the months leading up to us being pregnant that it felt as if we were perpetually surrounded by pregnant women. For real. We tried to justify it to ourselves that we were only being hypersensitive to it because we were seriously contemplating starting our family, but even considering that perspective, they were everywhere. On the streets, at work, at school, taking public transit, on social media. There was no escaping them. I guess we know what bored people did when they lost power after Hurricane Sandy...?
I guess I'm Buzz and Jan is Woody?
So there we were, saturating the market with another child. As I discussed in a previous post, there are categories of people. Observational research again lends itself to the categorization of their reactions. Obviously, there will always be outliers, but by and large, Jan and I have found (to our amusement) that people in similar places in their lives have reacted in the same way to the news of our progeny. Getting the easy ones out of the way first, although we haven't encountered any nuns yet during this pregnancy, I'd imagine they would be excited and not in the least bit jealous or curious (except perhaps for Sister Encarnación from "Nacho Libre"; she always seemed a little too interested in Jack Black and the Niños).
Wavering on her vows, perhaps... and after seeing a sweater like that, who wouldn't be?
Then of course, I just have to get this joke out of the way before I can proceed any further:
Exactly what Justin Bieber would say if we told him we were pregnant.
...Moving on. This leaves my other four categories: men and women, further dichotomized by "currently parenting," and "not currently parenting". If/when you are expecting a child, please let me offer the following advice: if you have "current moms" in your social circle, TELL THEM BEFORE THE NON-PARENTS. There is a bit of a risk-reward element to telling other parents that you're pregnant, but I think it will pay off in your favor. It seems that it is a rite of passage for new moms to attempt to scare the ever-loving crap out of moms-to-be. I assume that upon delivering BGA and having signed the birth certificate, Jan will be given the password to a secret website that is full of pregnancy horror stories that she will be required to memorize and subsequently tell to other expectant mothers. "Did you know that after they insert the boiling hot, mercury-tipped razor blade robot into your uterus, your baby will break off it's robot arm and carve it's own way out? That's what happened to my friend Sharon, and now she can't eat dairy anymore." You know, stuff like that. (...AND SERIOUSLY, new moms: is there some sort of ineffective batch of epidurals being distributed out there? I've never heard of so many people telling "my epidural didn't work" stories in my entire life.) Once all that is over with though, and you have a wife's-fist-sized indent in your bicep, new moms are quick to dispel ridiculous rumors about pregnancy (e.g., "no, if you want your baby to have a healthy birth you don't actually have to dig a birthing trough in the backyard and deliver onto a pile of evergreen needles that have been blessed by an Incan mystic"). They will also offer you ton of their pregnancy/infant stuff, and as long as you're not so proud that you need to buy all new outfits for your child to throw up on before they grow completely out of it, you should absolutely take whatever they're giving. Pay it forward, baby style.
The new fathers are almost as helpful as the new mothers. ...ALMOST. They all say congratulations, smile, and shake your hand in an almost-too-strong way, like you just hit a game-winning home run at the exact moment they made the perfect "that's what she said" joke to you. (The sexual undertone is obligatory, it's how men cope in this situation.) On the surface they seem like they're willing to give up all the stuff that their wives are offering, but if you really look deep, you'll realize that what you're seeing is a man who is simply nodding and doing whatever it is that his wife tells him to. This is how men are conditioned to behave during pregnancy; it comes with 9 months of you-did-this-to-me glances and a hundred resounding choruses of "stop whatever you're doing and rub my back" (literally, what I had to pause typing that last sentence to do.) He's probably not even disagreeing with his wife at all, but it is fairly clear that his decision-making abilities are at the very least on temporary suspension. It's as if they're welcoming you to a club of people with whom you can commiserate. Of course they're happy for you, but it seems as if they're also happy for them; it's a new person for their team. One less guy who talks about partying until dawn and reports his sexual conquests, and one more who brags about his fastest diaper changes and no longer owns a single pair of jeans without a tiiiiiiiiiiny little puke stain on them. All in all, though, it's a welcoming support group. You can pick these guys out in social gatherings, even without their wives: they're the ones who sip beers like they've never actually savored alcohol before in their lives.
From my perspective, watching my wife tell her non-pregnant and/or single friends was the most painfully awkward thing to do. She'll contact friends with whom she hasn't spoken recently and arrange either a "long overdue" phone chat or, in her more daring endeavors, a meeting and meal. The phone call will begin with shrieking, why-haven't-we-talked-in-forever-and-oh-my-God-did-you-hear-about-Sharon-she-got-so-fat pleasantries, but eventually, the friend on the other line will unwittingly ask Jan what's new. She'll take a deep breath, lean forward, and announce that she is now woman+fetus. .....awkward silence. All of the friends will eventually say congratulations, but I know that the muffled, fumbling sound in the background is the girl on the other end rooting quickly through a liquor cabinet, hurriedly pouring a vodka-and-whatever down her gullet as if to say "OH, THANK GOD I CAN DO THIS."
...all the single ladies.
At least the telephonically informed have the ability to make up an excuse and end the phone call ("Oh, I have to go; my neighbor's cat just treed a Salvadorian drug mule"). The ones who my wife is daring enough to inform in person have no excuse for egress. You can actually see the stepwise thought process occurring behind their eyes as Jan tells them of the seed she is harboring:
- WHAT.
- Didn't she see that video in health class??
- Seriously... WHAT.
- Do they serve alcohol here? Did I bring alcohol with me?
- Did I take my birth control this morning? ...just the one? Better take another right now.
- Is it too late to go bungee jumping, like, right now?
It's about as awkward as telling my single and my committed (but childless) male friends that we're expecting. Their reactions all go back to that sex-ed video we got every year since we learned to look down in the shower, intimating that pregnancy is a bad thing. Mercifully, the men tend to be more blunt and terse than the fairer sex. I have definitely had conversations that went like this:
Me: "Hey, Jan's pregnant."
Guy: "Really?"
Me: "Yes."
Guy: "...like, on purpose?"
The outliers I mentioned earlier tend to be somewhat regional: our friends from the south, by and large, apparently just assumed that I was sterile, since we didn't graduate college having already birthed enough kids to field a basketball team. Thankfully though, all of our friends (despite their initial reactions) have been excited for the both of us, and we are blessed with an incredible support system of all 4/6 types of people we have in our lives. If you know of any, we are always on the lookout to add a few nuns to our network for the sake of variety, but please: keep your Biebers to yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment