So here is my point: there is so much that, when it comes down to it, us guys really can't open our mouths too much about. Yeah, guys, I know that no woman will ever know what it feels like to catch a fastball right in the yambag (FYI ladies, it hurts A LOT). ...but fellas, let's all give up the charade: hobbling down the first base line towards the nearest icepack for your crotch simply cannot compare to what it must feel like to bring forth one's own young. Unless of course, bros, you recently squeezed out a plum-sized kidney stone.
That being said, I can now introduce the topic for our second childcare presentation.
SESSION II: BOOBS, BOOBS, BOOBS
Guys! Are you a fan of dairy products, and do you like breasts? Well then: do I have a 90-minute course for you! Being the perceptive individual that I am, I was quickly able to glean from the title of the session, "Breastfeeding", that I was essentially about to watch videos that would mimic HBO, 10:00pm-11:30pm on any given weeknight. Simultaneously though, I also thought to myself (in a stroke of analogy) how much more fun those paper wrappers from the outside of straws are in spitwad form than they are as boring old straw-protectors: sometimes things aren't nearly as amusing when you're seeing them be used as they were actually intended.
Don't even bother checking the diaper; we know what this kid was crying for.
My opinion with regard to breastfeeding is similar to my opinion regarding pregnancy and childbirth: if you're doing it safely, than who am I to really judge? I'm not the one who has to go through with it. I don't want to engage in a debate with people over whether or not they should be breastfeeding in public, or for the most part, for how long they should breastfeed... as far as I'm concerned, if the kid needs it, do it. Now: I do think there is a line. I don't think any mother should be showing up at their kid's elementary school and pulling their third-grader out of class to get in a good deep latch just before P.E. (and yes, a friend told me a story about a member of their "Mommy & Me" group who did exactly this). If the kid is old enough to make the sentence, "You know what, mother? Today I think I would prefer JuicyJuice, solely for the nutritional variety," then you should probably not be sticking your nipple down his gullet anymore.
NOTE: No, I am not saying all women are cows. <drags pillow to couch just to be safe>
Because I'm so mature, I of course kept a running tally during the class of everytime we saw a pair of breasts, full-on, not being used for nursing (oh, Jan totally helped; she's not that innocent). ...17. Over a ninety-minute period. Do you know how much better 8th grade would have been if this was the breast-to-time ratio with which every class was taught? I would've SLAYED Algebra!
In contrast to our first session where Jan and I had the fortune of being previously exposed to babies, neither of us have actually breastfed before. We did have the opportunity to absorb some genuinely great information, and I was afforded the opportunity to nerd-out a bit, learning about the different types of breastmilk that are produced over the first 7 days following birth. Our instructor also provided us with some great resources about how to use lactation services (should BGA experience some feeding difficulties) as well as how to access community resources for new mothers. We were also given the opportunity to use dolls to practice some different breastfeeding positions, and I gotta tell you, some of these actually go beyond what I would've thought. Apparently, breastfeeding makes women really, really creative. I overheard the instructor refer playfully to the multitude of breastfeeding positions as "The Momma Sutra".
Apparently, practicing feeding is easier if your baby's face has already been smashed-in by repeated breast-poundings.
Luckily for me, we were told to bring our questions to the breastfeeding session. Yes, we had questions, and much of our cohort did as well; and I am not going to pass judgment on the quality of their questions. .....oh, who am I kidding? Of course I am. Again, being honest: the gentlemen in the room, when presented with this boob overstimulation (myself included) all pretty much turned into Chander and Joey from this classic Friends clip:
Obviously, the room was filled with first-time parents who were there, wisely, to seek out the wisdom of the experts. Some questions were absolutely fantastic (i.e., "Does it matter what you eat to help your milk for breastfeeding?"). I have chosen to write below only the questions that drew a surprised reaction from the breastfeeding expert, as I feel like that was a fair gauge as to the level of "out there" that some of these questions were:
"Does the baby need to be awake to breastfeed?"
Ok, I can only assume that this young mom couldn't find a better way to express that she meant 'does the baby need to be WIDE awake' to breastfeed. On some level, my friend, yes: your child needs to be awake.
"Is making an appointment with a lactation consultant like making an appointment with a doctor?"
I don't even know what this means. I she asking about the style of the appointment? I she asking about the availability of the lactation consultant in the hospital? ...or is she asking if she can't use a telephone but instead needs to illuminate the night sky over Gotham City with a boob-shaped bat signal? The instructor tried to clarify three times before eventually giving up and answering, "Yes."
"I'm having a C-section, so I don't need to breastfeed, right?"
...sure, try that. Look, I am well aware that some people choose to use only formula, which is fine, and some people have problems breastfeeding and are forced to use formula all of the time, which is also fine, of course. Please do not assume, though, that your breasts are rendered useless for feeding simply because you had a C-section.
"Can someone else breastfeed my baby?"
Someone else like WHO? Another woman who is producing milk? Sure, if that's how you want to do it; the baby's father? Most likely not. Again, if you and another close mom friend of yours want to play "Mix-and-Match Dinner Buffet" with your kids, knock yourselves out; but I feel pretty confident speaking for Jan when I say that is not a top option in this house.
"Can that dad feed the baby with the mom's breast while the mom is still sleeping?"
This one took the instructor a minute or two. She tried a few times to answer as if she understood what the man was asking. It seems as if he was expressing some sympathy towards his wife and the amount of time that she will need to spend breastfeeding, but simply the physics of this arrangement baffle me. Ladies: if your breasts are swollen with milk, forget the baby for a second; wouldn't you wake up if your partner reached over under the sheets, scooped one up, and clamped your baby onto it??
The breastfeeding accessory for the mother who wants watch male observers REALLY do a double-take.
One of the dads in our group did a calculation after hearing some of the breastfeeding statistics and was flabbergasted with how much time was required to feed his kid. "Let me get this straight," he began. "It can take 30-45 minutes to feed and burp each time, and you're telling me that we'll need to do this 8-12 times every day, including at night?" The instructor nodded. "That's, like, an hour each time, every two hours! When are we supposed to sleep??" The instructor held back a knowing chuckle, and this gentleman's partner shot him a look as if to say, "I TOLD YOU to get condoms on the way home!"
As I alluded to in a caption within this post, there aren't too many videos that I can insert here that wouldn't draw the "age-verification" popup of YouTube. Such is the nature of the topic, and such was the nature of the class. The image that I won't be able to get out of my brain however was not one of disgust, but of awe with the capabilities of the human (female) body... and how sometimes innocent things can look really inappropriate. (Due to the potentially suggestive nature of the image I am referencing, I will paint you a word-picture rather than post an actual image.)
During one of the final videos, we were being shown just how far the nipple can essentially be stretched when <ahem> under vacuum pressure. The animation in the film was a cutaway of a baby's mouth with a mother's nipple fully involved, and it was demonstrating what the entire process looks like from inside the child's mouth. The animation, though, was of an oral cavity suckling on an elongated, cylindrical, flesh-colored object which, after a certain amount of reciprocating motion, would emit small white liquid droplets. OH COME ON, breastfeeding class; you can't make it that easy. I made sure to casually glance around to see how the other men were handling this, and don't worry, I was not alone. It was like being back in 7th grade sex ed, and watching the guys giggle because the filmstrip narrator just said the word "testicles". Even my own wife, a beacon of rationality, virtue, and sanity, grumbled audibly, "oh GEEZ," and grabbed my hand under the desk as if to say, "how in the hell have you not lost it watching this?"
I'm thinking this individual didn't take the breastfeeding class.
It was at this point we were afforded a lunch break as we rotated onward, which was good, considering the appetite I had worked up thinking about milk for the preceding 90 minutes. Jan and I casually made our way to the next room and, as we unpacked our chicken wraps, we overheard someone only half-jokingly expressing their uneasiness with eating immediately before our next presentation. We glanced at our schedule and knew that although our constitutions would be fine, we may be in for a treat observing the rest of the group once we saw what was in store for us next...........
