Jan explored the options for the classes, and we learned that there were essentially two different ways we could go about accessing this baby knowledge. The first was held for a few hours on a Saturday, weekly, for around approximately 13 months (there is a slight possibility that it wasn't quite that long, and I had stopped listening after she used the word "weekly"). I decided that I did not want to seek the knowledge THAT badly, and cajoled my wife into exploring alternative options. As luck would have it, the same local healthcare conglomerate was also offering what they were affectionately referring to as "9 Months in 90 Minutes". I later realized that they were lying and it was really three different 90-minute sessions, but without an escape plan, I chose the lesser of two evils and we booked the day.
As Saturday morning approached, I tried half-heartedly to convince my wife that we did not need this information; that we were two seemingly intelligent people who not only have been around babies before, but were not complete morons. She made it clear that she really was hoping to learn at least something, though, so I did what all men/fathers do: shutup, and be where we're told to be when we're told to be there. We got up early, loaded ourselves into the car, and drove to the commercial/industrial park conference center where the sessions were being held. The day was broken up into three distinct sessions, and in order to provide the best possible analysis and do them the justice they deserve, I have broken up these sessions over multiple blog posts... including the nickname we chose jointly for the sessions, based on what the meta-message for each one really was.
SESSION I: NOT KILLING THE BABY
Our first session also served as a bit of an introduction to the other couples with whom we would be spending our day. As I glanced around the room, I noticed that the majority of the other couples were mismatched: young, petite, wide-eyed, nervous girls pair-bonded with much older, halfway to retirement, hung-around-high-schools-after-graduating-college, old-but-not-wise gentlemen. The instructor asked us to go around stating our names, how far along we were, and if we had any experience around babies and changing diapers.
Everything needed to care for a baby: two swaddling blankets and a PowerPoint.
I. Was. FLABBERGASTED. So many of these people described literally no baby experience at all. One of the men said that whenever someone brings a baby to his office or near him, he actively avoids it. Another person said they had never been around a diaper-change before. The instructor tried to throw him a bone: "Ok, maybe not changed a diaper yourself, but seen it done, right?" Negative. Seriously, WHO HASN'T SEEN A DIAPER CHANGE BEFORE?? Do you think those Koala Kare changing stations in every public bathroom are just places to set your Solo cup of Coors Light while you wait for your bro to take a leak? The level of experience in this room was so low that I was beginning to get concerned that these people would not be able to actually find diapers in the store and would instead duct tape some of their teacup yorkie's piddle-pads around their babies. ...then there was the couple that was joining the class after their 34th week of pregnancy. For those of you doing the math right now, YES. 34 weeks... like, "Open the pod bay doors, Hal," this woman was pretty damn close to not needing the fake practice baby that was provided. They quickly became my favorite couple because, well, they were clearly the stupidest people I had met this calendar year. More on them later.
When it came our turn to introduce ourselves, Jan remarked that she is a teacher by trade, is perpetually surrounded by kids, and has some students that actually still wear diapers. I in turn remarked that I have plenty of experience with children and, to my dismay, heard the crickets of a laughless room when I remarked that I had an amazing amount of experience changing both child and adult diapers. Humor might not work here; these people were too shocked to laugh. They were now forced to come to grips with their pregnancies, one PowerPoint slide at a time. After I scanned our cohort, I quickly turned to my wife and shot her a look conveying my understanding that we were, in fact, smack dab in the middle of the "No, we don't need a condom this time, it's cool... holy crap, oops" club.
After practicing diapering a baby, the second hands-on activity following a brief lecture was on swaddling. I will admit that up until this point, I had never fully swaddled a baby from scratch before (a few tuck-ins here and there to repair a loose wrap, but not yet from square one). I was, however, fully confident in the problem-solving skills I developed in second grade and felt quite prepared to begin the task. You should have seen these people pick up their dolls, though. One of the SugarDaddies picked the baby doll up by the skull, and another by the foot. ...one waited for his partner to pick up the doll, then tried to play it off like he was just about to go for it, but she swooped in first. The whole scene was quite reminiscent of a second season episode of Friends, when Ross was passing off his son to Rachel:
To be fair, I think that swaddling is more intimidating than it should be. For the men out there reading this that have never swaddled a baby before, I can simplify the instructions down to a simple step-by-step process that you can actually understand.
Step 1) Pretend cloth is tortilla and baby is Mexican meat of choice.
Step 2) Lay tortilla flat.
Step 3) Put meat in tortilla (ladling not recommended).
Step 4) Make open-ended burrito.
Step 5) As you would any perfectly wrapped burrito, bring to chest and cuddle it, proudly and lovingly.
Step 6) Deviate from burrito-wrapping methodology here and DO NO EAT BABY.
These are what swaddling instructions would look like if they came from IKEA.
Seriously, that's it. Tight enough so your carnitas and black beans don't come rolling out, but loose enough that your lettuce and cheese can still breath. With both the burrito cheese and the baby, if they start turning blue... unwrap and try again. For real, it's that simple. Don't be afraid to go all Chipotle on your baby.
The instructor wanted to walk around the room and check everyone's work. Jan and I were sitting directly in the middle; she had so much correcting to do as she worked her way around the room, that we started to make a game out of our baby. We timed ourselves swaddling the baby, we tried swaddling it one-handed while holding the baby with the other, we even swaddled our water bottles and notebooks. By the time the instructor made her way around to us, she had caught glimpses of our work. "Oh, you guys are gonna be just fine," she quipped. It was my moment of glory, for sure (Jan already had swaddling experience, and was my swaddling Yoda). I was now an unstoppable swaddling machine. I felt compelled to strut about the room like Vince Vaughn in Four Christmases:
We did learn some other useful information in this session. We made sure to note that we needed our TDaP shots, and discussed what an appropriate rate of weight gain for the baby would be. Of course, because I'm a nerd, I took notes. We also learned that the Virginia State Medical Examiner's Office is recommending that we LoJack our babies with microchips, assumedly so that if they jump the fence and get out down the street, they can be returned to us instead of being sent to the pound. There was also a discussion on how often parents can expect to have diapers that need changing. The figure being thrown around was 6-8 wet diapers per day, and 3-4 dirty diapers per day (with the understanding that some of these will overlap). When this number came out of the instructor's mouth, there were one or two guys who realized that it had just taken them 10 minutes to change the diaper on a fake, immobile baby; they did the quick math, and looked as if they were about to leave a Wil-E-Coyote-shaped hole in the wall trying to flee.
...Seriously though, these facts and figures can hit hard. I had already done the math, and thought I was mentally prepared for all of this diaper changing. Jan and I worked out an agreement long before we were even pregnant that I would change all of the baby's diapers if she would handle all of their loose teeth (trust me, you don't want to tug at that thread now; I'm sure I'll cover it at a later date... but no, I don't like teeth. So sue me.) Sitting there in that room though, it definitely caught up with me just how many diapers that really was. This realization was immediately followed by two more: 1) I guess I finally know what I'll be buying with all of those coins in my change jar, and 2), I had better move a television or a minifridge or something near the changing table, because clearly, that's where I'll be living for a while.
About a week's supply, I reckon. Maybe less if we all go out for Ethiopian food.
From here, it was time to rotate. They rang their speed-dating bell, and we all packed up our water bottles, snacks, and notes. The guys mostly picked up their jaws off of the floor, and we all were hustled down the hall into the second session...........
Love it! Of course there's always the no diaper option which requires far fewer bed sheets than diapers, but more water!
ReplyDeleteI'm running a teen pregnancy group (soon to be mother baby group) and I just talked about swaddling. I want to copy and paste these directions and put them in the pamphlets.
ReplyDelete